I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize