No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
