Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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