I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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