Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
