ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
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She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
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Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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