my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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