Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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