He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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