If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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