Me too!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
