I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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