I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
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Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
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Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.