tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch