Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
someone owes me an orgasm
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.