Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
