Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
