I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
