then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
