Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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