The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
