your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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