I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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