i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
