plz talk dirty to me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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