my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
