We had to coat check the pizza.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
