Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
