alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
