haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
