not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
