I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
