It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
