he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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