the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
