This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
