it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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