I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
