Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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