I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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