I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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