my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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