I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
