I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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