I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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