now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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