you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
