I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
