just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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