You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
