Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
There are leaves in my underwear?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
