A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
