dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
