A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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