kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Your cock deserves a montage
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
