just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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